SELF DOUBT

 

SELF DOUBT

 

Sober this heart, quiet thinking,

Watches floating thoughts in mind,

Where is its source, where is it moving,

Endless surprises soul thirsty often,

Wants innumerable goods to please,

Pleasure evaporates, vaporizes instantly,

Search again mind fantasy thought to create,

Sit still, unmoved, looking vacantly, a lot,

Forgets where am I? why is sitting here,

Dream castles already build, I travel.

Visible to me beautiful house in front,

Colored glasses, windows closed,

Knocks the front door rings loudly,

Push a bit, found the door open sliding,

Astonished at the carpet sofa furniture,

No one is seen in the room empty, decorated,

Wooden frames wall mounted paintings,

As if images living, looking at me,

Enters long corridors with hundreds of rooms,

Windows with frosted glass in front,

Speechless found someone behind standing,

A person of my height faintly seen,

Disappearing, then the visible body,

Sometimes obscure face or palms, fingers,

Misty eyes, translucent nose touching glass,

Disappear suddenly curious my heart,

Who is living in this room enters quickly,

No one is there, the room vacant,

Look through the frosted glass image same,

Inside myself but the image from the balcony,

Run out of the room alarmed in a sock,

Empty is the long corridor hunting a time,

The big house, no one could be found, returned,

Melted the daydream, lingered the sight,

Who was he behind the frosted glass,

It was making fun of me, hide and seek,

Opened my heart walked and walked,

Tired limbs thoughtless rest under a tree,

Suddenly found life unsure of myself,

Unconvinced in every aspect of duty,

Hunting fear lurks behind obscurity,

Terrorizing all the while mind inkling ideas,

Failure sure to fail after effort, hard work,

I questioned, directed to me, bluntly scornful,

How come? deduced the outcome, just started,

Predicting the result as failure idiocy,

Where has gone my courage and conviction,

Love my dear girlfriend, fear losing caution?

Before approaching her feeling unreal,

She is lost for me, rejected my hand,

Trembles my nerves losing the adorn,

She is very much mine uniting with me,

So assuring her voice, she talks of  the future,

We are to build a sweet home but less luster,

Our study, career, job, notoriety mind,

Playing with me, treacherous tactics,

Confirmed by now this one was playing,

Blurred image of mine, mind projected,

Found convenient a frosted glass,

Easy to vanish and appear weird,

The solitude under a tree amidst nature,

Aroused conscience hinted at self-doubt,

Exposed fled that day I could recognize,

From miles away approaching my red eyes,

No more your slave run from my heart,

Confide friends from that day become smart.

 

Pen: Bijayananda Mishra

Title of Poem: Self Doubt

Themes: The mind lacks focus, unsure

Date: 12th January 2023, Cuttack

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